Warning…this post on my blog may not be everyone’s taste, but I’m gonna post it anyway!! This is the raw honesty I promised…no offence meant to anybody! It’s not as light hearted as I will write in the future but keep reading…I hope you get something out of it x
Ah sure everyone gets down now and again, just snap out of it and be grateful for what you have!!’ ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!
So I hear everybody gets down! It’s just the weather, everybody is depressed! You just need to get out more! You’re just in a rut! You just need to exercise more that’s all! Sure everybody has a bad day! Everybody gets down, think about poor Mary Blogs (pardon the pun) across the road who died last month and be grateful….
Grateful?????? I don’t feel grateful. I feel sick to my stomach that poor Mary Blogs died last month. What did she die from you want to know…well the fact is it doesn’t really matter does it? She died and she shouldn’t have! She was young, gorgeous, fun, vibrant and such a nice person! Everybody loved her and rightly so! She was the friendliest person you could ever meet. Then there is her poor grieving husband Joe Blogs and their gorgeous little girl. What are they going to do now?
I am sick to my stomach because I know there has been a mistake made here. A big one! God took the wrong person! He came to the right road but visited the wrong house! He took her when it was supposed to be me!
I’m the one who can’t face life, I’m the one who bawls my brains out for nothing and feels irrational overwhelment (no i don’t think I’ve mastered that word either lol) at the thoughts of having to get a shower! I’m the one struggling to keep my secret away from my children, plastering a fake mask on my face for their sake yet crumbling inside! (Keep reading I promise it’s not all this depressing!)
No, grateful is not how I feel, I feel GUILTY!!! Uncontrollable guilt! Why am I alive when she is gone? Why do I get to pass her grave on my way home from town and see her headstone? Why is it not the other way around?
People think I’m selfish, for thinking this way; I have a family that loves me, a husband and children! I’m so selfish! What would they do if I died?
Well the thing is, in my thoughts, in my depression and in my head, they would be so much better off! Of course they would! That’s just logic! They would be happier and I have images of them being relieved I’m gone, spending the rest of their lives dancing and singing!
But then…..the rain stops, the dark clouds break and the sun peeps through ever so slightly, the blackness leaves my head and the heavy ball leaves my stomach…..
Then I see things so differently! I see the hurt and pain it would cause. I see my children without a mother and my grieving husband! I do feel grateful to be here. To be with them. To see them, hug them, love them.
Yet that guilt remain, but now in a different form….How I could have felt so weary of life I can’t explain, how I could have wanted to swap places with the girl across the road I can’t explain…
But I know one thing that will explain it. Depression! Depression is an illness not a lifestyle choice. It’s clouds the judgment and paints life in a different way!
Depression ‘can’ be a terminal illness, but with more support, more awareness, more openness we can fight it! Break the taboo! It’s ok to suffer from depression. There is help and there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may not seem that way now if you are going through it but hang on…those clouds will break!
Contact me if I can help x
Dedicated to my wonderful husband and children who make the hanging on for so worth it xxx