Hi Anxious Bananas (and the one crazy apple out there…we’ll just call you June lol!).
I haven’t posted in such a long time now. I am at the heart of it all still that insufferable perfectionist who has to have everything perfect before I post anything. I can’t be clogging up your inbox’s with a load of crap now can I? Not that I look back on any of my previous posts as perfect lol
But anyway, I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been sooooooo tired. Not a normal tired but an abnormal fall on my face any second tired. And of course, with that comes no energy at all….no energy to write or to even think!
Have you ever seen Shriek the third where Fiona is pregnant and at her baby shower Sleeping Beauty keeps falling asleep??? That’s me…maybe not the beauty part but definitely the sleeping part.
A couple of years ago I noticed that I was waking up as wrecked as I was going to bed and needing to sleep during the day. Driving long journeys became an extreme sport, the goal of reaching my journey became a dangerous task. Even if my eyes were open I would enter a dream like state and actually nod off. My kids were that bit younger so it was a horrible feeling waking up after an hours nap with my little one toddling around on her own. Or the times I would sit down to listen to my daughter reading her homework only to fall asleep and hear her call ‘Mammy, mammy, will ya wake up!’ Once I actually fell asleep mid conversation with a friend…embarrassing yes!!!.
I can’t even explain how bad the tiredness was/is. It’s like my entire body is too heavy to carry around and at times it actually hurts to lift my arms and legs. I wake up exhausted and no matter how much sleep I get I never ever feel refreshed. Every day is like a constant battle to stay alert. My head feels so heavy and my brain feels like its shaking all the time and that itself is a horrible sensation. My energy levels dropped to nothing and maintaining the normal active life became really hard. Even getting up to make dinner became a battle. Looking around the house at the tidying that needed to be done and yet not being able to move a muscle brought on severe anxiety. At night especially I get so cold and get flu symptoms, my bones even feel sore with the coldness. I won’t go on about it too much but I think you get the drift.
The worst part was however that I didn’t have a clue what was going on but I knew it wasn’t normal. So after years of doctor’s visits, blood tests, psychiatric visits, vitamins, different diets and different exercises I was finally on the list for a sleep study which is where the answer eventually came….
And that answer was idiopathic hypersomnolence aka hypersomnia, which is a neurological disorder whereby I have extreme daytime tiredness no matter how much sleep I get. Nobody knows why it comes on and nobody knows how to get rid of it! I have started a new medication that I’m not quite sure is working yet but hopefully it will kick in.
The past few weeks have been a time of anger and disappointment, but also of relief. Relief that now I know what’s going on, it’s not just me or the weather or the fact I’ve two small kids. It’s this condition and it’s not my fault. I’m actually not the lazy cow I thought I’d turned into…not by choice anyway!
So to look on the bright side…I can now be as lazy as I like as I now have the perfect medical excuse….I could go and clean the bathroom now…but then again….I do have this awful tiredness….(big sneaky laugh lol)…
But seriously, I’m in the phase of accepting this is what I have, could be better but it could be a hell of a lot worse! Of course it could! I’m still up and out in the mornings, I’m still the one able to rear my beautiful children, I’m still able to pursue my dreams…so all in all it’s not the worst hand to be dealt.
But maybe life is about dealing with the hand you’ve been dealt and trying to live the best version of you.
But in terms of anxiety and depression, living the best version of you has to come from within. For me, that means acceptance. We all beat ourselves up so much in this life. Berate ourselves for not being good enough. Not doing enough. Not having the confidence etc etc etc. Let’s accept who we are, what we have to deal with and go from there. It’s OK. Once you can accept things you can work on changing or challenging them if that’s what you wish to do.
So for me, today I’m tired, but that’s OK, I’ll do what I can do and that is just going to have to be good enough. As long as my children are safe, loved and cared for then I am happy that this will be a productive day.
Hope this has helped in some way if you or someone you love is going through a hard time xxx